I hoped the patrons were as colorful as this place.

Introduction

First things first, I am not a furry or a weeaboo, but I do enjoy anime to an extent. I have never, ever, seen a theater purely devoted to anime. Until now!

I was hoping to see something cool playing at the cinema, like Hellsing or maybe Ergo Proxy or something.

Instead there’s Blue Seed (which I can only guess has something to do with teasing plants sexually), Ah! My Goddess (Typical “boy is surrounded by desirable women and never has sex with them” anime), Macross (Robots? In Space? You don’t say!), Ranma 1/2 (The tragic story of a transsexual with multiple personality disorder), Appleseed (Looks like a homosexual mecha hentai), El-Hazard (I think it’s Ah! My Goddess in Spanish), and Vampire Princess Miyu (It sucks. GET IT THERE VAMPRIES IT SUCKS HAHAHAHA). And the surprisingly non-anime, The Seven Doors of Death (1981).

My Impressions

When I first approached the theater and locked up my Lincoln Log car, I noticed that there was no one in the box office. I could only assume that meant that the showings were free that day, and let me tell you, you get what you pay for.

$666 for a small popcorn and a small soda? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!

The theater staff were ultimately unpleasant. There was some brown and leathery woman standing on the counter throwing Atomic Fireballs at me, and while I really appreciated the free candy it really hurt.

Furthermore, the ushers were pre-occupied with playing in the arcade. All but two of the theaters were locked, but the ushers lazily left their keys laying about and eventually I managed to wander between each of the theaters. I think all of the projectors were broken, or indeed the operators were busy snorting cocaine, because each and every one of the screens showed one static image of the appropriate film. It didn’t take long for me to lose interest.

At first, the cinema was vacant of other movie goers (I can’t imagine why!). At one point I got tired of trying to get the staff’s attention and punched the air, and suddenly a gang rumble between disturbingly fat chicks armed with napalm launchers and a couple disturbingly tall, anorexic dudes, and I was caught in the middle.

On that note, I also should like to point out that I did not feel very safe in this cinema. Only one of the theaters held an emergency exit, which I’m sure poses some sort of fire code violation. In addition, a few of the theaters were littered with dangerous firearms (a couple were presumably experimental military weaponry!) and ammunition, so I am led to believe that I unwittingly walked into some sort of secret gang hideout.

Still, I found a shotgun in one of the theaters and managed to dispatch the gangmembers causing ruckus in the lobby, and of course then the cinema staff started shooting and shouting at me. That’s the last time I bother snuffing a gang war. I thought I was doing a public service.

In rebellion, I went around and collected all of the jackets and purses in the Lost and Found, as well as the hat boxes and Jagermeister bottles that were curiously placed very neatly in the bathrooms.

I tried leaving via the entrance I came in, but I found it had been fenced in, so I had to depart through the emergency exit.

-Nomad