Hello again, folks, and thanks for tuning in yet again! Three articles now, and I’m still gaining steam! This is new territory for yours truly! In the spirit of all my life’s endeavors, I’ve yet to truly commit to anything fully, yet here I am! It feels like I’ve been writing these forever already!

Now, speaking of commitments, I’m glad you all are tuning in for this very special edition of Ask Dr. Nomad. This time we are focusing specifically on relationship related questions. As many of you may already know, the format is a little different from the previous two articles. I recently opened up a Formspring account in order to make the quest for questions more streamlined and open to all who wished to be featured in the column, and the response has been incredible! Just in the last week or so I’ve already gotten almost 30 questions, and they’re still piling up every day! This is impressive considering how much I had to force the lowly handful of half-assed attempts from the lazy, goodfor–I mean, wonderful denizens of this fine web community, The Abyss!

Anyway, since this edition has nothing to do with health related issues, I’m going to stave off the usual disclaimer about how I’m not an actual medical doctor, and more a doctor in the sense that Dr. Pepper is a doctor. So let’s go ahead and dive right into my favorite questions from the last week, shall we?

Dr. Nomad, i am a sad and lonely gentleman who has nobody. It is thursday night. If i finish enough homework… should i go to the bar and try to pick up a somebody, or should i go to bed early?

Depends on your priorities. Do you wish to propel yourself through school in order to give yourself more options later in life, or do you want immediate satisfaction and possibly an STD?

I think the choice is clear. Venereal diseases win out every time for me.

Dr. Nomad, I am concerned about the evenings plans. My friends and i are going to a local bar for some drinks tonight. I am concerned that i will not find love tonight. What can i do to assure that i will find love tonight, or at least random sex?

If you’re looking for a love that will last, a bar certainly isn’t the best place to look. Hell, these days it’s probably not even the best place to look for random sex! The internet is where it’s at. Your best bet is to sit at home, especially if home happens to be your mother’s basement, staring blankly at your computer screen and obsessively scanning dating sites for suitable candidates to carry your seed.

Then, of course, proposition said candidate for a simple evening rendezvous so you can make a final judgment on whether this person is qualified to be a vessel to carry your spawn. I believe, then, it is customary to aggressively assert yourself onto the other in an act of procreation. I believe some refer to this as “rape” but that would just be arguing semantics.

I suppose a similar method could be used at the bar, and I imagine you can piece these suggestions together for use in such a situation.

While this one wasn’t directly related to relationships, I thought it was relevant to the topic anyhow:

Dr. Nomad, long time reader first time poster. My question for you is about the clitoris, where is it? What is it? And more importantly, do I as a man have one? Thanks in advance.

Many advice columnists would like to jokingly tell you that the “clitoris” does not exist, possibly out of some strange jab at conservative desires to resurrect dark ages practices of sexual suppression. I will, however, not only tell you, but warn you about the dangers of the clitoris.

First of all, I shall clear up a misconception: No, male humans do not possess clitori. They are chiefly a female body part–of which they traditionally only possess one (1). As for what this strange device actually is, however, is still a mystery to modern science. Some postulate that it is an undeveloped penis that never was able to fully form due to insufficient genetic information not provided by a “Y” chromosome. Others claim it is a gift from the goddess Aphrodite to provide women with a reason to actually associate with men in any way (which is an absurd claim not only because everyone knows that heathen gods are nonexistent, but also because us men also have great senses of humor and money on our side).

Before you attempt finding this object, however, I advise using utmost caution. To varying degrees, the clitoris may incite a variety of reactions in the specimen, including but not limited to biting, scratching, screaming and other loud vocalizations (including profanities), violent seizure-like undulations of the body, or in extreme cases projectile vomit, and death of one or both parties involved. Be aware that this does not in most cases indicate demonic possession, but it may be advised to keep a cross or holy water nearby for quick use.

The clitoris is located roughly somewhere in the area between a female’s legs. While I have never seen one, (mostly because I find vaginae to be visually repulsive however nice they may be to tactile senses), through trial and error it is possible to discover them by manipulating your fingers around the upper regions of the specimen’s vagina. Additional direction may be provided by the female if vocal communication is possible (removal of any bondage devices preventing speech may be necessary).

It is important to note that generally it is customary to request permission, or at least provide adequate warning, to the female with which you wish to attempt finding the clitoris before you root your hands down in that area. If you also happen to be a female, however, this little caveat may be circumvented by sharing a bottle of lemon schnapps with the other female. Or, of course, you can try it out yourself, but what’s the fun in that, and why would you defy lady Aphrodite’s wishes?

Dear Mr. Nomad: I am a very lonely and highly unattractive female. Every man (and woman) I meet seems repulsed by my appearance. They just won’t give me a chance to show them my winning personality! What should I do so I can find true love?

You are on the right track–ultimately looks do not matter, and it’s what’s inside that counts! However, winning personality or not, generally the first impression that people get of another person is by visual means–and that can spell trouble for fatties and/or uggos like yourself. Really, the problem here is not that people find you repulsive; the problem is that society finds you repulsive! A quick GOOGLE search for “BBW” or a casual stroll through a WALL*MART can easily reveal that there are plenty of individuals who get off to ugly and/or fat women.

So which is more important to you? Being attractive to society as a whole, or being attractive to one person?

If your goal is the former, you are in luck! Generally, most uggos and fatties are obsessed with what society thinks of them and their bodies. They’ll intentionally starve themselves both in mind and body, shriveling into a lifeless yet incredibly bony shell, ending up like a walking corpse that feeds on attention and looks askance from others. This is an easy position to put yourself in if you’re not careful–and I’ll tell you how!

The first step, of course, is having a crippling self-image problem. Since you’re writing me with this sob story about being an uggo and/or fatty, I am sure you already fit into this category. Once you’ve established that you hate yourself and can’t look yourself into the mirror, you’re already well onto your way of acquiring self-destructive mental illnesses!

Secondly, you must take action to change your body in dangerous ways to match what you believe is the image society demands of you. Stop eating, and exercise in dangerous quantities. Schedule cosmetic surgical procedures that change your appearance in drastic ways.

Now, once you’ve made life altering changes to yourself, you’ll find that you’re not just unhappy anymore, but unhappy and BEAUTIFUL! You’ll still hate yourself, and most likely die young due to debilitating mental instability, but you will no longer worry about finding a mate!

However, if you are only worried about finding love, your options are much less drastic. The easy way is to join a social networking site, with pictures of yourself taken from a wide angle in order to give the illusion of being thin, and eventually you may trap a kindhearted male into settling on you (likely with your winning personality!). Another method is to join up to one of those Big Beautiful Women websites and you’ll have men from all over the world worshiping you!

So you see, even as a repulsive female, even in this society you have plenty of options. Don’t let yourself be fooled into thinking you will be lonely forever. Forever is a long time.

Dr. Nomad, When is the right time to say ‘I love you’?

If you know what’s good for you, as far as romantic relationships go it is NEVER the right time to say ‘I Love You.’ Once that trinity of cursed words is uttered in any romantic relationship, whether it is sincere or not, it spells nothing but doom for all parties involved.

It might feel great at first! The person that says it gets that sudden rush of adrenaline, rocketing into a state of euphoria increasing the good feeling of the experience tenfold! Then the person receiving the curse might also experience that euphoria, and even speaking the words themselves and sealing the dark fate for both!

Soon after comes the worry and expectations. If sex hadn’t already taken place, should it? If it has, does it have to “mean” something now? What about the future?–how are we going to pay for an apartment together, and what if there are kids involved, and how am I ever going to have privacy again, and how am I going to put up with her cunt of a mother, how are we going to pay for that house now that we have all these fucking kids, and am I going to have to sell my behemoth all-American truck and buy a minivan, and what am I going to do when I’m old and have to put up with this bitch’s nagging for decades on end, and…

Well… You get the idea, I suppose.

My advice to you, is to keep the awkward silence on the subject. It may be uncomfortable, but that is a good thing. You learn to appreciate the love you have more when you think you might lose it–and it makes breakups that much easier when you get bored and want to play the field some more.

And finally, our last question for this evening:

Dear Dr.Nomad, I often find myself saying things like “Girls are fucking terrible”, or “I don’t know why I like girls”. Does this mean I am subconsciously questioning my own heterosexuality? If so, what should I do?

Sometimes I think I worry about the same thing. Not the being gay part, but why I like them dames in the first place. Women can be perplexing and irksome creatures at the best of times, vicious and calculating psychopaths at the worst. I assure you that it has nothing to do with your own homosexuality, though if you are asking anything questioning your sexuality we can probably all safely assume that you are definitely a flaming breed of the crooked sort. The fact is, women being terrible excuses for humans is an issue that stands all on its own.

And I’m not just saying that because I got stood up tonight. Because I didn’t. Who would blow off Dr. Nomad? Haha, I mean come on! That’s probably just the booze talking. You know, I’ve noticed that tears actually make the sauce go down even smoother.

At any rate, women are not so bad. They’re not the mystery that they are made out to be, and it can be quite easy to figure out their motives if you really stop and think. If she’s nagging you about leaving the toilet seat up again, it’s not because you forgot to put it down, but rather that you failed to live up to her expectations. The truth is, if a woman is treating you horribly, it’s probably because you did something. More often than not you probably didn’t do anything to the extent that you deserve the punishment dealt, but you did SOMETHING. And if you find yourself in that situation, there’s no turning back.

But I do know of a place in Vegas that might help, if you don’t mind taking part in some “legitimate business” involving poker with a fellow in a purple suit.

And on that note, I’d like to bring this edition of Ask Dr. Nomad to a close! Thank you all of you who have participated so far, and please keep the questions coming! The next publication, if all goes well, will take place in about a week, so pop on over to the Formspring page and get to asking and I will keep the answers flowing! The topic for next time, in the spirit of the last answer, will be about depression! I don’t know about you, but I always feel better about my problems when I get to laugh at others’!

Until next time!
Dr. N.